Monday blow out!

October 19, 2009

AHHHHHH!H!HH!H!H! Brett Favre!!!11!!1 AHHHHH!!!

That’s what I thought of titling this post. Then I remembered that earlier I wrote a Monday blow out and titled it ‘Brett Favre’, so I went with just the regular title, and saved the Favre based pants jizzing for the interior of the article.

And lemme tell you, there is a lot of jizz in this article. So let’s get right to it.
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Monday blow out!

October 13, 2009

This week in the blow out, I want to address something that’s been bothering me lately. I think this is going to help YOU the fan and ME, the guy who writes sentences.

Lots of people have been throwing around the phrases, ‘real deal’ and ‘for real’. Obviously this is not just a filler description, or a way to say nothing while moving your mouth and saying something. Of course anything that actually exists is for real. But that is immaterial. PAID football announcers like to tell us these things to inform us. SENTENCE writers, like myself, need to help make this information more for real, so that we all understand it better.

When a mouth speaker says, ‘real deal’, he means that that person is better than you, footballically. Also, he is better than some of his peers. Or not. Sometimes you just say, ‘for real’ to mean that he did something respectable, like completed a difficult pass or used the toilet by himself. Typically when a large man overcomes some difficulty while carrying the football, he is described as the real deal.

Here on the blowout, I usually like to list a few things that deserve an overreaction. But this week, to really drive home what is for real, the real deal, and what is imaginary, I’m going to point out some examples.

1) In an earlier edition of this column, we noted that Steve Mariucci described Kevin Kolb as the real deal. This was after a game in which he played well. Mariucci’s description is very critical to our understanding of real dealness. Being for real does not require a large sample set. In fact, one instance of realness is all it takes. This is especially true of rookies or players who do not start frequently. Since most of us do not have time to study human football tapes, it’s important that it be pointed out when one player played a good game, and the easiest way to do that without really explaining anything is by saying that he is ‘non-imaginary’, aka the real deal.

2) You can never describe a veteran player as ‘the real deal’, or even ‘for real’. This is because it is assumed of older players. If you watch a player week after week on the television, you have to assume he is a real person, and not a graphical creation by the football networks. So you will never hear someone like Cris Collinsworth say, ‘Brett Favre is the real deal’. Obviously he is real. But Percy Harvin? He might be fictitious, because he is much younger. When Brett Favre finds Percy Harvin with the football, and Percy Harvin recepts that football, and then maybe Percy Harvin out speeds his opponent, then you bet your ass you’ll be hearing that Percy Harvin is the real deal. And what a relief for me, the viewer, to know that he is indeed real.

3) Officials, coaches, and upper management of teams aren’t usually described as real, but surprisingly, they are actually real. In many cases, we don’t know the names of these people, and would not recognize them if we saw them on the street, but they are indeed real. It’s just that they’re not ‘for real’ in the classical sense. They are not better at football than other people, so they can only be so real. Officials are typically the best when it comes to calling fouls, and are much better than casual fans, but no one really gives a shit about that, so it’s not necessary to assess their realness.

4) The way you inform a viewer of the reality of something is also critically important. For instance, you can’t just dryly say, ‘He’s the real deal’. Boorrrrrring. Also, that doesn’t give you an out in the event that next week his reality is seriously called into question. Here’s a much better way to say it: ‘I’ll tell you what, this guy just might be the real deal’. Perfect. Now you’ve said more than you had to in the first place, while not really saying anything at all. That is absolutely the sweet spot.

Now that we all know what makes something real, assumed real, fictitious, and shitcaringless, here’s a list of the most realdealish players in the league this year:

1) Percy Harvin: Say he has ‘real deal’ speed when you’re with your friends, and they’ll be impressed AND learn something.
2) Kevin Kolb: It’s really easy to work Kevin Kolb into a conversation, even if he’s not playing. Say something like, ‘It’s nice to know that we have Kolb back there just in case. I think that guy’s for real’. I mean, wow. That last sentence was for real.
3) Any running back that no one knows about or was recently promoted from the practice squad: Who gives a shit if he’s for real or not? He might even be imaginary. Just say it anyway. No one will remember it if you’re wrong, but you’ll certainly remember it when you’re right.
4) Anyone anywhere: Just say things. It’s much better if you say something to your friends than if you don’t. That is thinking like a professional talking person.

Here’s my final thought before we tie this one up. I think one thing we should do more of is describe teams as, ‘the best 0-4 team in recent memory’ or ‘the worst 2-3 team in the history of the league’. Comparisons like these just make sense. First of all, we all have a very vivid recollection of all teams with their records as they progressed through the season. If you think about it, you can definitely recall all of the 2-3 teams from last year, and how they stack up against 2-3 teams from this year. Secondly, humans are great at not exaggerating things that have been recently presented to them. That’s why we’re so good at football analysis. If we weren’t would Deion Sanders have a job? I’ll tell you what, Deion Sanders just might be the best announcer at this point in his career in recent memory.

I’ll be back next week. Until then, be real.

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Tuesday Blowout

October 12, 2009

Monday blow out will be Tuesday blow out this week. I’m flying back to the US tomorrow morning, and I didn’t have enough time today. But rest assured, I’ll be blowing out things left and right tomorrow. And for a quick preview, you’re going to know for sure who is ‘for real’ after reading it.

Brett Favre

October 5, 2009

The die hard readers of this column are probably a little surprised right now. Usually on Monday I title this column, Monday blow out, exactly like that. Today, I wrote 17 drafts of this column, and the only thing I could think about was Brett Favre. I didn’t even watch football on Sunday. I only watched analysis of the Brett Favre’s Monday Night game. So the other problem with the column this week is that I didn’t see ANY of the games, because they were pretty much irrelevant when I found out that Brett Favre IS playing on Monday and that last week he PLAYED on Sunday. Let’s blow out some of this insanity.

1) Brett Favre has never played on a Monday after a Sunday since joining the Vikings. His performance may be positively affected by the extra day of rest. Also, he may have some extra rust because he didn’t play on Sunday. This Brett Favre will be approximately 14% more rusty than a normal Brett Favre, who has a standard rust quotient (RQ) of about 16, giving him an adjusted RQ of around 18.

2) OBV Favre has never played against the Packers as a starting QB. But he has played a revenge game against a former team. In 1992, he played against the Atlanta Falcons, the team who traded him to the Packers. He lost that game 24-10, and at that time, his RQ was only 11! (although his Gunslinger Quotient (GQ) was only 8.2, and it’s now a staggering 87.63!) If we consider both of these factors by multiplying them together, you’ll see that in 1992 he was a 90.2 Total Quarterback Quotient (TQQ), and in 2009 it’s 1402.08.

3) What’s one thing in common with Atlanta and Green Bay? Since both organizations got rid of Brett Favre (BF), neither has won a world championship. The BF Adjusted Championships Index (BFACI) is about 17. That gives the Vikings a 17 BFACI this year, and all other teams a 0. Good luck, everyone else.

4) The really crazy thing is that when BF left Green Bay, the franchise DID NOT fold. They continue to play games under the name, Packers. And while you may have thought like me that they disbanded the position of QB after BF’s departure, they reinstated it in the preseason last year, and named Aaron Rodgers to the post. This HAS to bug the shit out of BF. Not only is there STILL a QB position in GB, but BF isn’t the QB, and AR is now the QB. AR’s BFACI? 0.

5) This is a HUGE game for the Vikings. They are currently 3-0. If they lose tonight, they could be 3-1. If they win, they could be 4-0. Ultimately, this game could come down to final score.

Alright, I have to take a break from all this BF talk, mostly so I can watch more BF coverage on ESPN. But I would like to give you some fantasy tips. I get a lot of fantasy requests, so I think I’d like to try to answer them.

Here are some players you should pick up if they are available:
Adrian Peterson, Peyton Manning, Randy Moss, Tom Brady, Calvin Johnson.

Fantasy championships are won and lost based on key pickups like this. Finding a sleeper like Peyton Manning can make the difference between winning it all and not. It also cannot make a difference.

OK, I’m not going to say anything about the Super Bowl this week. And really, who gives a shit about the Super Bowl. When we look back on this season, we will probably only remember BF games against GB. What a great way to remember the season.

Monday blow out!

September 28, 2009

I know that there is usually a format to this column, but this week’s column is being given a special exemption by the commissioner to absolutely go crazy.


Because the biggest event in the history of the NFL happened this weekend, and I’m not even exaggerating. Michael Vick returned to human professional football and played on a football field. And it was pretty freaking amazing.

At first, I did not think this was a big story at all. But I was DEFINITELY wrong. In place of my usual Monday blow out bullet points, I’m going to list reasons why Michael Vick is a HUGE deal!

  1. Deion Sanders said that Michael Vick is a STARTING QB in this league RIGHT NOW, and that he hates to see him only used in gadget plays.  At first I thought, ‘Deion Sanders is a crazy person.  I am watching a crazy person talk about something.  He did not watch the game.  He did not see Michael Vick look like a guy who missed 1001 days of human football’.  But I am definitely wrong.  Deion Sanders is a PAID professional.  He knows more than I do, and in those 11 magical plays, he saw that Michael Vick can start.  Michael Vick was DEFINITELY the best QB on the field to not complete any passes, and it wasn’t even close.
  2. Here is a stat line: 24-34, 327 yards, 2 TDs, 1 Rush yd, 1TD.  Those were not Michael Vick’s stats.  But you have to admit, if they WERE Michael Vick’s stats, they would have been VERY impressive.  That would have been really amazing for Michael Vick.  They probably SHOULD have been his stats, according to Deion Sanders.  Those are actually the stats that Kevin Kolb compiled, but the thing is, he only had to wait 6 days since his last game, and that is ohh…. I don’t know …. 995 FEWER days than Michael Vick.
  3. Steve Mariucci also made a good point: Andy Reid has done a good job of acquiring quarterbacks.  That is an EXCELLENT point.  Andy Reid has definitely signed several QBs.  It’s very clear to me that the NFL Network has the best analysts in the game, and we should be thankful for them.
  4. Michel Vick seems to be the only one who didn’t think he was the awesomest player in the universe.  Listen to this quote: “The atmosphere was great, and I just enjoyed the moment, soaked everything in.  … I’m thinking about everything I’ve been through, thinking about what it took to get back to this point.  I’m thinking about my grandmother …” snorrrrrrrreeeeeeee. Not once did he say anything about how he should be making beaucoup dollars right now as the starting QB of a high level franchise (think Patriots, Colts, etc).  He didn’t even once point to Kevin Kolb’s stats and demand a trade.  I think he should talk to Deion Sanders, who clearly sees that there is more than meets the eye to 0-2, 7 rushing yards and 11 PLAYS.
  5. So what will the Eagles do when McNabb comes back healthy?  I’m not sure, but my guess is that we’ll make an effort to acquire more QBs.  Byron Leftwich was recently demoted to the 3rd string, and really, he deserves to be starting somewhere.  I think it would be a wise decision if the Eagles ACQUIRED Byron Leftwich, to strengthen the QB core to a hearty 5.  Imagine how many different wildcat formations you can run with 5 QBs.  It’s a lot.

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Monday blow out!

September 21, 2009

So many things to overreact to / say nothing about this week, so let’s get right to it:

  1. First and foremost, my GamePass HD subscription broke for the 2nd consecutive week. It is probably the worst service that mankind has ever offered. In 2 consecutive weeks, it has crashed (2!). This week, in a more spectacular fashion, it didn’t allow me to watch any games. So I’ll be making complete conjectures about how games turned out and how players fared during them.
  2. Looks like there were two barnburners in the early action.  What I would have paid to see the Raiders and Chiefs square off!  Only 3 points decided the entire game!  I mean, they played 60 full minutes, and there were only 3 points of difference between the final two scores.  I’m also assuming that even though only 6 points were scored in the first half, that it was action packed.  Oh wait, I wouldn’t have paid much money to see it if I would have had the chance to watch the Redskins and Rams square off!  That was only 2 points at the end!  They also added a nice wrinkle by not scoring in the final quarter.  That makes it easier for the fans to leave early.  I hope they told them.
  3. Last week, the Bengals lost a game in the most dramatic, crazy way a game has ever ended (pre-season, regular, or post-season!).  I can say that with confidence because I definitely remember a few games from last year, and I remember the 2004 Super Bowl, and none of those games ended like that.  They followed that up this week with their most dramatic win of the season!  Based on some short-sighted history, it looks like this start will lead to disaster for the Bengals, but I’ll talk more about that later.
  4. Can you believe those pesky Giants?  Two years ago, with a vastly different roster, they won a championship.  Then last year they played some games, and now this year they have won all of their games!  And yesterday they even played against a team that had a new stadium.  Unbelievable that they would win in a new building.  You gotta admit, the Giants might be a force to be reckoned with, but I’ll talk more about that later.
  5. Finally, Kevin Kolb.  What can I say but busssttttttt.  Guy can’t even win his first start.  The Giants won yesterday in a building in which FOOTBALL HAD NEVER BEEN PLAYED, and Kolb can’t win in a stadium that has been around for several years, and in which many football games have been played.  He didn’t even throw a touchdown pass (after his first two), and his defense was terrible.  The Eagles allowed 48 points!  48!  How could you possibly let that Spielmacher start again.  Although, you have to admit, the Saints might be a force to be reckoned with, but I’ll talk more about that later (but not the Eagles, bussssttttt).

OK, now it’s time to say some things without actually saying anything.

  1. As I alluded to earlier, it’s time to make some Super Bowl sentences.  Since a few years ago, no team going 1-1 has ever won the Super Bowl (sorry Birds, wait til next year I guess).  The following teams will probably not win the Super Bowl, based on something I read once: Patriots, Bills, Steelers, Bengals, Texans, Chargers, Raiders, Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Packers, Bears, Seahawks, Cardinals.
  2. Two years ago, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl starting 0-2.  This means that 1 out of the last 2 years, that happened.  So each of the following teams has about a 50% chance of winning the Super Bowl: Rams, Bucs, Panthers, Lions, Chiefs, Titans, Jaguars, Browns.  Therefore, that group has a 400% chance of winning the Super Bowl.  We’re going to call that group 1A
  3. In 3 of the last 4 years, a team that started 2-0 has won the Super Bowl.  So each of the following teams has about a 75% chance of winning the Super Bowl: Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Giants, Vikings, Falcons, Saints, and 49ers.  That group has a 600% chance of winning the Super Bowl.  We’ll call that group 2.
  4. The rest of the contenders have a 0% chance of winning the Super Bowl, since that has never happened before since 2005.  We’ll call them group 0.
  5. So as you can see, it’s anybody’s game.  We’ll obviously be tracking this all season, but we may not know until the last game who actually wins the Super Bowl.

And now time for one final thought, which will hopefully grossly exaggerate something, and not say anything.  If you have been watching football at all, then you know that the Bears and Broncos peacefully switched Spielmachers in an attempt to sell more jerseys and tickets.  After week 1, it was looking like the Bears really got the short end of the stick, as their team lost and the Broncos won in a landslide, last second victory.  This week was much different: the Bears confidently won in the last minute of play, while the Broncos finished the game on a 7.5 minute scoring drought.  Therefore, it’s pretty clear that the Bears and Broncos ARE different teams and HAVE different quarterbacks.  I think we’ll just have to wait until after the season, when the two teams have played completely different schedules in different conferences to determine which team got the better end of that deal.  But I think it’s safe to say that neither of those Spielmachers is Kevin Kolb, who is a completely DIFFERENT person.

Last week’s Monday blow out!
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Monday blow out!

September 14, 2009

Every Monday (and by ‘Every Monday’ I obviously mean, every Monday that I get around to it), I’d like to take some time to pay homage to my favorite sports reporters and completely overreact to something, but also say absolutely nothing about everything. So here come some moderate, total overreactions to small sample sizes.
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